Exactly As Romantic And Meaningful As A Diamond Ring

Happy new year, inbreds. I hope 2010 contained at least one good moment for you. I personally had a fair few, the last quarter of last year would rank as some of my best months. Anyway, to business.
Facebook, lover and nemesis, we meet again. Why do people post stati of the form "omg love my girlfriend coz she is amazing :D"? You attention seeking whores, grow up. Now, I'm about as lame as it's physically possible to be in relationships, holding hands and bumming out when she's not around and generally being a needy and irritating shit. I'll cop to this, it's a personal failing and it's one that should endeavour to fix. In fact, new years resolution; in 2011, I'll try to be less needy and more secure in my relationship. It's in writing now, looks like I'm stuck. Better limit myself to twenty cutesy text messages a day.
Anyway, to veer back onto my original tangent, what the hell do you achieve by posting your little platitudes on facebook? I appreciate that all stati are inherently meaningless anyway just by the merit of them being stati in the first place, but there's something doubly inane about posting soppy mush notes for all to see. It doesn't even have to be something original or cute, I've seen people just post "I love Blankity McBlank." I'm sure you do, and your relationship status generally confirms this. However, you clearly aren't doing this for the person you're with, there are easier, more sincere and much less smug ways of letting your special someone know they're special. Phone calls are good, or maybe saying it in person, or in a nice card, or something? Whatever, I don't care. You aren't doing it for all your facebook buddies either, because they either already know or don't give a shit, usually both.
The fact is, you're doing it for you. Your doing it so you can flap your dick in front of everyone you know and say "LOOK AT ME! I'M NOT SINGLE! ISN'T IT INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE!?" You know what, you cretin? It actually is a little impressive that you aren't single, seeing as you only seem to have enough synapses to scrawl malformed (and usually poorly spelled) declarations of affection for all to admire. I'm sure you're aware that no-one really cares, but that's not the point, is it? The point is to fluff your ego so you can feel a little bit special over the smallest of things.
Now, I know there's an obvious rebuttal in "why does your relationship status specify who you're with, then? Aren't you just advertising it as much as the people you despise?" My response is no, simply because there's a difference between going to a party and saying "this is ______, my girlfriend" and saying "this is _______. I love her soooo much" and then sucking face right then and there. If you saw someone do the latter in person, you'd think them the crowned king of douchiness, wouldn't you? And yet, online, it's somehow... less? No dice. Stop being an arrogant and self-promoting arse, it's pissing me off.

The first post of this year is brought to you by everybody's favourite arrogant and self-promoting arse, The Last Whiny Man. May 2011 be less retard-tastic than 2010.

Stretching Flywire Over Your Brain

I love little scientific buzzwords, because when you drop them, you sound clever. I also love them because sometimes they sum up an idea very well and it saves me the trouble of explaining things. My favourite phrase lately has been "genetic leash" which I learned from a wonderful YouTube video where a man of science attempts to enlighten an unashamed young earth creationist. Not only does it sound cool, but it's also a pretty nifty concept to know.
There are certain things that a functioning society cannot abide if it hopes to remain stable and self-propagating. The obvious one is murder. As a society, members cannot kill off more than the number of people being born subtract the number of natural deaths and accidents. If they do, the society ceases to be able to function and it will collapse. It's obvious, then, why we've evolved to want to avoid killing members of our tribe; it's beneficial to the propagation of the species to not kill anyone who looks at you funny.
Interestingly enough, lying has a limit. That is to say, if a clan or species starts to communicate more false or useless information than true or useful ideas, the very act of communication becomes pointless, ideas cannot be shared and the society regresses. According to sociobiologist E. O. Wilson (regarded as the expert in this field and the inventor of the term "genetic leash"), the human mind is shaped as much by genetic inheritance as it is by culture. Given that it's beneficial for people to be honest and believe those close to them, it suddenly becomes clear why a surprisingly large number of people have no bullshit filter to speak of.
Snap forward to the modern day, and we've got slick advertising execs, giant religions and salesmen on every corner. The trusting nature imprinted in our brains is now a weapon for cheap charlatans. People are so willing to believe what they are told that they will commit themselves to the most ridiculous things, out of comfort, hope or just blind trust. It has been demonstrated that, in even the simplest computer simulations, lying or cheating to get ahead of the competition exists, but if a species is naturally trusting as well as intelligent enough to formulate intricate lies, all bets are off.
Where am I going with this? Pretty simple: Get yourself a goddamn bullshit filter! Everyone! I know it's nice to think that people aren't out to get you, but the simple fact of the matter is, a few people are. This isn't to say you shouldn't treat people right, but get savvy up in this piece, folks. If you don't have a naturally good bullshit filter, just assume EVERYTHING is a lie or a scam until you know better, do a bit of reading or research and it'll develop. My wish for this new year is that we're all a bit less gullible.
And with that, I leave you with this; do you believe anything you can't explain? If you do, think long and hard about it. Do some soul searching and figure out exactly where it's coming from. Also, don't steal my fucking television!

Merry Winter Solstice Festival, Fellow Heathens!

Secular hugs and kisses. Also, Merry Christmas to any christian readers I may or may not have. I know we don't always agree, but at least we can agree that turkey is awesome, right?

Why Are They Always Four Letters?

As a linguiphile, I am incredibly upset with myself. I am upset with myself and just a little resigned. You see, Facebook (the highest pedestal of social interaction whose teat I hopelessly suckle on) has a little app going around that tells you the most frequently occurring words of all your stati for the last year. Being the curious little shit I am, I jumped aboard this party train. The results? Truly shocking. The leader, by a large margin, was "shit," followed by "fuck".
Anyone who's read any of my posts has probably figured out I'm fond of expletives. I do enjoy them, they are the hot sauce for language, providing an intensity you just can't get from "golly". As a truly, truly intense person, listening to speed metal while I skydive naked with strippers, I don't have time for non-intense sentences like "I should probably do the laundry." I only ever utter sentences like "I'm going to fuckin' bungee off this fuckin' waterfall!" and "Shit yeah I'm going to eat a steak upside down on fire!" I have melted eyes before with my radiant awesome.
He says while penning his weekly whinge blog. My life is what you'd describe as "pleasantly average," redolent with normalcy. A number of friends, a smattering of interests and a regulation level of laughs. There's no need for me to add "fuck" as a prefix to most of my statements. Indeed, as I have noticed when I'm out in company, I have an incredibly foul mouth. I have responded to the offer of tea and biscuits with "shit yeah, Nan!" That just seems unnecessary. So, why is it that I just don't find these words even remotely offensive?
The answer? They're just words. They are a combination of syllables representing a meaning or idea. There's nothing inherently offensive about them. I know some people are offended by certain words, but I just cannot relate. Sure, I'll check my language if it offends someone, but personally, I don't give two shits how you talk. It's not words I find offensive, it's content. The word "fuck" may offend some people, but I'll tell you what, when I see stickers saying "Australian Way Of Life, Fit In or Fuck Off" it isn't the "fuck" that offends me.
So we can all embrace the beauty of expletives, I encourage everyone to try and integrate them into the holiday season; "fuck yeah I want some turkey!" "this egg nog is the shit!" and, of course, "Merry fuckin' Christmas, Grandma." Get the fuck on board.

PS. A big Merry Christmas to the five or so people that read these entries, you bring it very close to being worthwhile, and my intense level of conceit tips it over the edge. Secular best wishes, everyone!

Believe It Or Not, This Used To Be A Music Blog

OK, shut up. Stop whatever the fuck it is you're doing, go to your nearest music depository and purchase Congratulations by MGMT. Download it maybe, that'll save you a trip. The point is, obtain this record. It's fucking amazing.
There was a time when people understood what an album should be. It should not be 70 minutes worth of amalgamated material designed to give more minutes of music for your buck. That's fucking stupid. There should be a degree of brevity. A good album makes you go "aaaawww... I can't believe it's already over..." not "wow, it's still going." That said, it should also deliver bang for your buck, not filler and stupid shit. Every part should be on there because it deserves to be. There aren't many albums that have done that recently, so MGMT, my hat goes off to you.

The Honour Roll: Congratulations by MGMT, Fear of a Blank Planet by Porcupine Tree, An Argument Between the Taste and the Feeling by Minute 36, Traced in Air by Cynic and Kezia by Protest the Hero. Albums in the truest sense of the word: All have consistent and cohesive themes, are good from start to finish, contain no filler and don't wear out their welcome. Lads, you get the Official Tuesday Night Wrist Seal of "I'm OK With Your Existence". Wear it proud.

The Conclusive List of Good Christmas Songs.

1) Christmas Time by The Darkness.

Fat Chicks Should Not Wear Black Leggings As Pants

This post has nothing to do with the title. I couldn't think of a good title for the rant that's coming and I couldn't think of a way to pad that thought out into an entire post, so synergy, fuck yeah. This post is about how people have no fucking idea how to argue. It annoys me more than finding a pubic hair in my beer, and that annoys the shit out of me. Now, I was young and stupid once, and I had no idea what logical fallacies or basic logic even was, so I pulled this shit all the time, but a bit of reading later and I realized that, like all high schoolers, I couldn't make a cohesive argument for shit. That's a mild generalization, I'll concede, but there's not one class that even touches on the subject, so fair call. Anyway, here's a compendium of the stupid shit that pisses me off in discussions.

(In an effort to better my own arguing, I must concede that I've recently learned that I often slip character attacks into otherwise cogent arguments or positions. I'm endeavoring to rectify this.)

1) I don't need a counter-theory to disagree with your proposition. This shit comes up aaaaaall the fucking time in discussions, especially ones about religion or the supernatural. You've all heard it, it basically follows the form "well if you're so smart, what do you think it is?" or some variant thereof. For anyone who hasn't figured out exactly why that response is stupid, here's an example: I have no idea about what a carburetor does, or even what it is. However, if someone proposes to me that it's actually a built-in pixie repellent in cars designed to stop errant pixies clogging up the transmission, I know that's, in fact, false. I don't need a counter-theory, because what they just proposed happens to make no sense. In the real world, what this means is that you don't NEED to know someone's wrong not to subscribe to their ideas, their idea doesn't become any more valid just because it's the only one proposed. Long story short, if anyone pulls that shit on you, argument over, you just won by virtue of not saying stupid shit.

2) Just because it makes you feel good, doesn't make it true/valid/good. This is what is referred to as an "appeal to emotion" and it's one of the most frequently committed cardinal sins in discussions. If ever someone proposes to you that, because (insert silly philosophy, like homeopathy) makes them feel better, it must have some merit, just drop the pedo-bomb: "Pedophilia makes some people feel good, does that make it right?" If you don't wanna jump straight to kiddie-diddling, heroin, marijuana, alcohol, pornography and basically anything your gran wouldn't like can be inserted in its place.

3) "Well, I can't think of anything else." Classic argument from ignorance. Just because you can't think of another solution to a problem, doesn't mean one doesn't exist. This is the favourite of psychic- and ghost-believers. "But how else could they know my uncle died in March? They must be psychic!" No, douchebag, they mustn't be. It's called cold reading, or a guess, or countless other scamming methods that have since been discovered. Fun fact: there has been NO psychics (or anyone professing supernatural powers) who've been able to replicate it under scientifically observed conditions. Not one. Oh, they may claim negative energy or some crap, but how lucky is it that it only seems to be skeptics who exude said vibes? "but you just didn't want it to happen, you're exuding negative vibes!" No shithead, the skeptics are the ones who want it to happen the most, because then it's something new to discover.

4) Analogies are NOT expertise. "Foreign policy is a lot like building a house..." No it fucking isn't, you know nothing about what you're talking about and you're creating a simplified analogy of something that's actually quite complex. The worst is when people make analogies that always tie back to their profession or qualification. You might be an expert in one topic (but you probably aren't) but that doesn't mean you know dick about anything else. Four out of five plumbers recommend Colgate for teeth. Yeah, who gives a shit?

5) "Well, who asked you, anyway?" Usually heard at the end of arguments or discussions, but also at the beginning to stifle them before they start, these predominantly start with someone expressing an inquiry or curiosity in the workings of something. What follows is someone offering a solution, only to be told that no one asked them, or that they never really cared to begin with. So why say anything, douchebag? I swear, it's almost as if people don't want to know anything, and they're just content to drink VB and watch Two and a Half Men and be dumbasses their entire life without ever expanding their horizons. You know the type, the guy with a southern cross tattoo and an A.W.O.L.F.I.F.O sticker on their ute. Fuck I hate those people.

Well, that's pretty much it from me. For more on logical fallacies, look it up, but hopefully we can all leave here a bit more logical, and stop telling me that Bigfoot must exist because he gives you a warm fuzzy. Seriously, people are dumb these days, teach this shit in schools, please!

If Life Gives You Lemons, You've Now Got Some Lemons.

People are weird. That is to say, I'm not every person who's ever existed, so I don't really know what's ticking over in their heads. I can only safely make those assumptions about myself, and even then it's a guess at best. However, I can project myself into their situation and ask what I'd do if I was them, which isn't useful at all but it does the trick. Where am I going with this, you ask? Well, in a nutshell, here it is: Why is "OK" or "pretty good" not very good anymore?
Yeah, maybe the metric I use to value-judge things is fundamentally different to other folks. I'm a confessed fan of Mr. Bungle and DragonForce, so let that be an insight into the odd definition of "good" I use. However, there are some points of consensus I seem to share with regular folk, so I'm not a completely lost cause. I couldn't put my finger on exactly when I started noticing this, but at some point in the not-to-distant past, I started to hear people rationalizing things by saying things like "yeah, it's good, but..." and then go on to extol the greatness of something else.
There are a lot of great things out there. Hoegaarden, Pink Floyd, Fight Club... these are all great. However, the "good"-ness of something doesn't necessarily detract from the "great"-ness of "great" things. Similarly, the "great"-ness of some things doesn't take away from the merits of others. You might eat the tastiest meal you've ever sampled, but does that make a sojourn to McDonalds after a few drinks any less enjoyable? Of course not, that double cheese whatever you order is still going to be as greasily fabulous as it ever was.
I don't want to give away any specifics, but in the past two days I've heard two separate friends NOT make an attempt to talk to a member of the fairer sex, one on the basis that there was a better looking woman in the room (sitting at a family dinner) and one on the basis that they're an awkward asocial. Also in those two days I had a friend reject the suggestion to check out a new band on the basis that another band was pretty awesome. Is there a limit on how much stuff you can enjoy, so we must make sure to only fill our lives with awesome things and not crowd ourselves with OK things? Fuck that shit, I'm gonna eat fast food sometimes, I'm gonna drink cheaper beer sometimes and I'm gonna accept that a good time can be a good time even if it isn't great. I haven't got Fillet Mignon and Moet & Chandon for dinner tonight, and I'm not bummed out about it.

Don't Fuck With the Sick Man

I'm ill. It fucking sucks. I'm either freezing cold or dripping sweat, my right eye is painful as shit and it hurts to swallow. My body has crapped out on me for some unknown reason and I'm thoroughly pissed off about this. I tried to drink some of my beloved "hangover juice" figuring it could cure something that wasn't a hangover, but no, the acid just stung my throat. What the fuck is up with that? Juice couldn't fix me, I'm now officially screwed.
Also, why all the fucking "juice drinks" that are available? Why would you drink anything that wasn't 100% fruit juice? When I see something advertised as containing "25% real fruit juice" I can't help but wonder what the fuck "real" fruit juice is. Not only that, but if you actually read the ingredients on those things, it's mostly water and sugar anyway! Why not just cut out the middleman and drink a coke? You're not fooling anyone and you're doing about as much damage to your pancreas anyway.
"Premium" bourbon and colas. I know people who fork out extra money to buy the bottles of Jim Beam Black and then mix it with coke anyway, or just buy the premixes. If you're gonna buy good booze, why then just mix it with coke? I've tasted said premium bourbon mixed with coke and it tastes the fucking same as every other bourbon and coke; the same as fucking coke! It gets even worse when people buy proper, big boy bourbon, the kind for sipping with a cube of ice, and then water that shit down! If you don't like the taste of liquor, you're just drinking to get drunk, which makes you about as clever as the 17-year-old tramp-stamped walking herpes dispensers that inhabit the noisiest and sleaziest of nightspots. Kudos.
Why the fuck are pubs so loud these days? I'm not talking about places where bands play, or nightclubs, I'm just talking about generic pubs that have whichever nondescript FM radio station 40-year-olds listen to playing at a good 120 dB (OK, not that loud, but shut up). Here's an excerpt from a conversation I've has with friends about a million friggin' times:
"Hey, you know what we should do? Go out for a quiet pint somewhere."
"Yeah, but where's quiet?"
"Hmmm..."
"Uuuuhhh...."
And then we spend a good 20 minutes discussing why no pubs are quiet anymore. Might juuuuust be me, but I wouldn't think that a quiet little place to go for a pint and a packet of crisps would be such a bizarre ask. Granted, there are a few nice little holes-in-the-wall in the city, but goddammit if we're trekking all the way into Perth just to have a quiet drink.
Alcohol doesn't make you feel better when you have a virus, so my weekly pub trip tonight will probably be a sober one (and suddenly, the reason why it's Tuesday Night Wrist becomes obvious) which pisses me off to no end. And we've come full circle. Fuck everyone, I hate you all. Peace.

An Orgy of Yule-Tide Joy

You know what can ruin a lovely holiday? Going to work the next day. You know what can ruin going to work after a nice holiday? Having Christmas decorations up in November. I come back after four fucking days and the retards up top have decided that it's high time to spread the Christmas cheer by way of tacky red stars hung from the counter and putting every item in stock on special. I fucking loathe Christmas time.
Well, that's a half truth. I love Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. My liver and stomach hate it, but I friggin' love it. Ever had a drunken argument about socialism with your uncle while your mother serves you freshly cooked garlic prawns? It fucking rules. Ever drunk expensive sherry and eaten turkey wrapped in bacon while listening to jazz renditions of classic Christmas tunes? It rules. Ever gotten so out of it on good weed and better beer that you pass out for 6 hours and wake up to find all your friends sharing cake? It's about the best way to spend your time. Yep, the holiday season is a celebration of life, love, friendship and family. What I can't stand is the month's worth of disgusting consumerism pushed upon you at every turn.
People don't need to be told to buy stuff. They're gonna do it already. The snuggie is living proof of people's inability to not buy stuff. If you want to make money, just think up an idea that's slightly too dumb for words. Then market it. People are stupid, throwing their money at anything that crosses their paths. Want proof? Watch that channel that sells stuff 24-7. That stuff makes money, I shit you not. You don't need to lead this fucking horse to water to make it drink, it's fucking parched. The average person's life is so bereft of stimulation or joy that they NEED a five-second garlic peeler cum potato masher available in turquoise or lavender to fool themselves into thinking that their accounting job is really worth the stress and soul crushing monotony.
I'm not religious in ANY sense of the word. However, there's something about cashing in on people's deepest beliefs to make a quick buck that is really sickening. I know people that couldn't imagine a Christmas without presents, wrapping paper and cards that get read once and then thrown away. It's all they've known, and it's revolting. Everything is being sold to everyone ad nauseum anyway, and during the "holiday season" it gets ramped up into absolute overdrive. Christmas time is so cheap it smells bad. The whole month of December has a tacky glow that makes me want to shower until the grit comes off.
Then TV gets on board! Repeats and Christmas specials abound! I only watch TV when I'm too apathetic to do something constructive (like post on this whiny ghost town) and I find myself so frustrated that push-ups start to look like a fun way to spend the time. It's almost as if it's a massive conspiracy to get us so antsy that we'll all go to the shopping centres to purchase gifts that people don't want to give to people we don't like. In fact, that's exactly what it is. Fuck TV executives, heads of companies and basically every salesman ever. Fuck Christmas time.
I'm going to buy lots of gifts this year. I'm lazy, hypocritical and ultimately unimaginative. But! I'm not gonna be happy about it. If I was a better man, I'd write everyone I care about a heartfelt note telling them exactly why, or write and record them a little piece of music, or something nice and unique. But it's not gonna happen, so suck it up. Everyone who thinks I'm a bad person because of this, post and let me know, I need some hatred.

Too Fuck to Drunk

Hello all, post is early this week because I'm away this coming Tuesday. If you can, just imagine this was posted on Tuesday the 23rd.

An article I saw in the Weekend West yesterday, the friggin' front page article, was about a "sexting" scandal in a public school here in Perth. Apparently a fourteen year old kid has been charged with possession of child pornography because he took the video from his phone and put it on his home computer. I just want to tell you all, this article highlights everything that's fucked up about the world. It was a condensed synopsis of retarded behaviour.
So, the story starts thusly: A bunch of teenagers, aged 14 to 16, are throwing a party, wherein a 14 year old girl in invited, supplied with alcohol and then filmed performing sex acts. Said footage is then distributed via mobile phones, before our jailbird protagonist uploaded onto his computer and onto the net, thereby getting caught possessing and distributing child pornography. A comment from the principal of the school where they all attend said the incident was very embarrassing or something similarly non-committal.
First of all, why the hell weren't all the little bastards in the film expelled, charged, sent to juvie, whatever? You have them on film committing a felony. Apparently there's a law that says something along the lines of "just having someone on film doing something isn't really proof of anything" and while I'll concede that yes, film can be faked, a grainy, low quality telephone video which still explicitly and most definitely depicts a felony might be at least very strong evidence? Especially when you know who filmed it using what.
Secondly, what the fuck is wrong with kids these days? Jesus-tapdancing-Christ, am I so out of it that I've forgotten what high school was like? I hear stories of students fighting teachers, getting drunk and filming each other having sex and I can't help but think "do you really think your lives are that special?" Reality television and vapid trash magazines celebrate fame and excess and you suddenly have retards wanting to grow up to be just like the folks on Jersey Shore or whatever mind poison MTV is pumping out and they think that notoriety and self-congratulation are more important than say, learning a skill or talent or not becoming a completely useless, self-obsessed douchebag who contributes nothing to society as a whole except bringing the collective average IQ down a few points! AAAAARGH! I want to tell everybody aged 12-17 out there: It's neither funny nor impressive that you drunk two vodka cruisers then performed oral sex on someone who's name you aren't exactly sure of. In big-person world, that makes you an unpleasant skank who people avoid. If you think anything you've done in high-school, short of getting into a course or apprenticeship, or getting a qualification (you know, those things you should be doing), is in any way important, funny, interesting or noteworthy, you're most certainly wrong. Nobody cares; you have to work to make people care.
It pains me to see this kind of thing happen, it really does. It pains me, not only because there are young lives here that are going to be forever changed but also because, somehow, there is some social pressure to do shit like that. You kind of have to question the stupidity of a lot of different parties when a series of events culminates in people thinking this is OK. And I know it isn't the average high school student doing all this retarded stuff, but you have to wonder if these are just extreme cases of what's happening anyway. Having former teachers tell me that students are getting worse is kinda worrying, I'd much rather have functional bridges than teenage sex videos. Just throwing it out there.

P.S: If there exists a study comparing teen pregnancy rates, drug use, underage sex and drinking with national test scores which take into account the way schooling has changed over the years, I'd love to read it. I don't think teaching was better with the cane and rote learning, quite the opposite in fact. However, there is a difference between effective teaching and just coddling little bastards, and I'd like to see if the numbers reflect this.

The Last Whiny Man Presents: My Opinion is Different to the Widely Held One!

There are too many bands, not all of them good. In fact, that sentence could just read "there are too many bad bands". You turn on a commercial radio station and it's a veritable all-you-can-eat buffet of banality and vapidity. Then there are good bands, who generally aren't on the radio and are interesting and for winners. However, I've observed an interesting phenomenon recently; bands that are somehow both. Well, not really both, but bands that seem to get folks throwing steaming hot globs of love on them while I sit there, hemorrhaging indifference. Without further ado, here is the comprehensive (read: thrown together this morning based on whatever the hell I was thinking at the time) list of bands that get more love than they deserve.

Foo Fighters: I do not get why these guys are so very very loved amongst rock fans. I understand and accept that Dave Grohl is a nice guy, and he was in Nirvana and all that crap, but judging them on their music alone (the way you should judge any band) I don't see what all the fuss is. People go absolutely spastic over them, but they're just so... generic. They're the dictionary definition of a generic rock band. The weird thing is, it's almost as if they've gone out of their way to stay generic with the times. When they started they were just another post-grunge band cashing in on the death of Kurt Cobain (more cynically than most, I might add) and from there they've slowly de-evolved with the times, touching on all flavours of generic. Maybe that's their appeal, being so inoffensive and bland. But if that's the case... *shudder*

Lamb of God: Describing LoG as "pure American metal" is a pretty harsh thing to do, not for them but for every other metal band in America. It must suck to be associated with them. The sound of Lamb of God could very accurately be described as "what your mum thinks metal is". Chuggity-chug riffs, heavy kick drum and growly vocals are the foundation of metal, I'll give you that, but without anything on top of the foundations, you've just got a big empty space with a bunch of cement in there. And that's what Lamb of God are, musically. The unadorned foundations of a genre without anything on top to make it at all interesting. Lamb of God are the "I'll listen to it if it's on" band for metalheads, inoffensive background chugging while you wait for someone good to play.

The Arcade Fire: For a while there, these guys were indie royalty. Every indie fan I knew loved these guys. I figured to myself, "better see what the fuss is about" and god fucking dammit, I've never been so bored by so many instruments. There's like ten of them, and they're all swapping instruments and playing mandolins and hurdy-gurdies and violins and it should be awesome, but it's just not. No amount of instruments can really hide three boring chords and a samey vocal melody, but good effort for trying, guys. Take a leaf out of the book of Pulp: Common People has 2 chords (count 'em!) and it's about fifty million times more exciting than anything you could do. There's more to music than lots of instruments playing the same thing, and one day you'll come to realise that.

So, that's only three bands, but I have to keep some material in reserve for future issues (read: I ran out of ideas then got bored) so that'll have to do for now. The lesson here is; everyone is wrong but me. Carry that wisdom with you for the next time you get into some crappy band.

The Worst Kinds of People

Seriously, what the fuck happens to people when they age beyond forty? Do their brains just go "nope, that's it for me" and take an extended break until death? That has to be it, it's the only explanation I can think of. How fucking stupid do you have to be, to go out wearing an unflattering shirt showing some tourist rat-hole you went to back in the nineties and a blank look on your face and wrestle with a fucking EFTPOS machine for a good ten minutes because you can't tell the difference between the cancel button and the credit button. Seriously, all forty year olds (notable exceptions are legends like Richard Dawkins and the mighty men of his ilk) have this dumbfounded expression permanently plastered on their mug, as if the entire world is this great, mystifying construct put there to confuse and irritate them. Here's the thing, shithead, the world ain't that tricky, you're just a retard.
Anyone who goes on about the "good old days" should be shot. In the face. Life wasn't better in the "good old days" you retard, you had a tiny TV with a good 3 channels, there was no such thing as the internet and university was only for rich folks. If someone can look you in the eye and tell you, straight faced, that life was easier or better "back in the day" you should slap the rose tinted glasses right off their faces. Technology rules, get on board.
Then you get the moral argument. "Kids these days" or some crap along those lines. Hey, you know what? My generation wasn't responsible for slavery, apartheid, world war two, vietnam, the state of the environment, economy or education system. That was you fuckers. This is your legacy to the next generation, a completely fucked planet with more problems than we know what to do with. Thank the scientists and inventors behind computers, microprocessors and basically all the information technology advances which give us a bit of a fighting chance to save the planet from itself.
Fuck baby boomers. Terrible fucking people. All that baggage from your parents dumped on us as you greedily consumed all you could leaving a bastard platter of crises for the next generation to solve. So if you see a baby boomer slowing down the line at a convenience store, bitching about computers, complaining about the morally bankrupt young people or spouting some ridiculous crap about how life was easier in the 60s, kill them. I'm encouraging you to pick up a blunt instrument and bludgeon to death any baby boomer who isn't actively trying to undo the twisted legacy they're leaving. I'm advocating murder here, people, get murderin'! I fucking HATE baby boomers.

I'm On Facebook Right Now, As We Speak!

Saw The Social network last night. The fact that the events that caused Mark Zuckerberg to be the world's youngest billionaire were set in motion by drunken, angry blogging aside, I really enjoyed it. As I quoted to my dear friend Fen after the movie: "Huh... that didn't suck. It actually... really didn't suck." There are a fair few lessons in that film that we can all take to heart.
1) No project is too big if you're passionate and willing to put the work in. I know this sounds like "reach for the stars" or something similarly hippie bullshit, but it's really closer to "fuck all those who tell you that you can't." If you have an idea and you want to make it big, just tell every naysayer to fuck off until you're rich.
2) Read the fine print. Eduardo Saverin got well and truly shafted, both in the film and in real life, because he didn't read the fine print of a contract he signed. How you can sue someone after the events described in a contract that you signed come to pass is a bit of a mystery to me, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it could have all been avoided if he had read the writing at the bottom.
3) Remember who your useful friends are. Sean Parker may have been charismatic person, but he was ultimately an unreliable, impulsive idealist who brought out conflict in Zuckerberg and Saverin. There's nothing wrong with idealism, but the paranoid rantings of a coke-head getting caught with underage girls probably doesn't help the company.
4) If ever you're bored, or a chick breaks up with you, or you're drunk, or whatever, start a blog. There is absolutely nothing bad that can come out of ranting impulsively on a permanent medium.
All wonderful lessons that we can apply to our own lives, but the biggest lesson, without a single drop of doubt in my mind, doesn't come from the film, but the people that watch it and then say stuff like "woooooooooow, it really changes the way you look at facebook." Uuuuhh... does it? It was invented as a platform to easily communicate with people you'd only just met, be able to recognise if someone was available, interested or taken and to trawl for booty. That's really it. If you're using it for any more than that, maybe we should have a talk, because you're clearly doing it wrong.
I feel no attachment to facebook beyond convenience. I don't hate the folks I have on there (maybe "friends" is a bit rich, but whatever) and it's a great way to share inane crap. The ease and efficiency of setting up an event and just inviting all the douches you want there without the use of a telephone is great, saves me precious seconds that I could use to get angry. However, if you are one of those people who feel that they couldn't live without facebook (probably the same people that said that about their mobile phones in high school), you've taken it a step to far. It's there to streamline life, not enrich it. It's meant to close the gaps between socialising, not replace it. If social networking was a drug, you'd all be hopeless junkies on the street because you couldn't tell the difference between use and abuse.
If you're shocked that facebook was set up as a ploy to ensnare users so the founders could create big bucks from advertising, grow a brain. EVERYTHING is exactly what I just described. I wouldn't be surprised if advertising executives were clamouring to fellate Mr. Zuckerberg for the rights to advertise on the site. It's so brilliant I wish I'd learned how to program. To everyone who feels an emotional attachment to a virtual pin-up board that only your friends can see, you're an idiot. A really lame idiot at that. Which brings me to lesson number five:
In the movie of life, you aren't the main character by sitting on facebook sending out a status along the lines of "Samantha Dipshit is a little hungry, KFC time wooo!" You're that extra who's on screen for about 3 seconds that no-one noticed. Take a lesson from the bald guy at Harvard in the movie; people are inventing shit all the time. Just think up a new big project. Maybe you're current big project is a whiny blog. But that's OK! Don't fret, but don't rest on your laurels. Keep thinking and imagining and trying new ideas and see what happens. You might die aged 52 working at a supermarket. Or you might become a billionaire. Whatever works. Wait, shit, that did become "reach for the stars." Fuck it, it doesn't matter, watch The Social Network, absorb its wisdom.

Whoops, You Got Me!

Arguments between creationists and evolutionists reach new levels of dumb sometimes, watching two people who know nothing about anything yell at each other. Sometimes they're actually interesting arguments, but people tend to get angry or upset about the topic so proper discussion becomes very difficult. There does seem to be one consistent theme throughout these "discussions" though, and that is this: No-one involved is a fucking expert.
I wholeheartedly endorse discussion between regular people; it shows you have a brain cell. What I hate, with a fiery passion that threatens to consume almost every single person in Uganda, is when people quote facts that they plucked from a book or website with a sense of airy superiority, as if they'd stumbled upon the argument to end all arguments and only they are privy to its brilliance. You know what, shithead? There's a good chance we've heard it before.
I bet you think you're so fucking smart that you could reference the 2nd law of thermodynamics, or the observed instances of speciation, or the differences between micro-evolution and macro-evolution, or the difference between evolution and the origin of life. Yeah, I don't give a shit what side you're on, if you argue it stupidly, you're an idiot. If you think that your brilliant delivery of an idea that had been widely published as much as decades previous was enough to change people's deeply entrenched worldviews, you've got some serious ego problems, kid.
I can assure you, I've heard a lot of arguments about the origins of life and the biological and chemical processes that brought life to this point. I've given up trying to educate and discuss with people, because people think that education is a democratic competition. I've got news for you, son, it isn't. Reality isn't democratic and it doesn't give two shits about your feelings, it's arguable whether or not reality could even be defined to "exist". Reality is going to be the way it is regardless of how you phrase your argument. Cut the semantics and cut the emotional bullshit.
The world is a big, angry, scary, fucked up beautiful place. I can't remember the last time I read an article about science or philosophy and didn't take a moment to reflect on the beauty of the world. I don't care how you were raised, what epiphanies you've had, what you've read or what lectures you've listened to. I don't give a shit about any of your subjective, flawed and ultimately unreliable experience. What I give a shit about is looking at this brilliant world, this amazing universe we inhabit and finding out exactly how it works. If I was a more rigorous man I would be a scientist, so I could peek behind the veil of reality and see the cogs working. What I am is an amateur writer, a lazy journalism student and an acolyte of the art of bullshit detection. I understand semantics, I understand word games.
Stop competing over your worldviews, you retards. Stop trying to convince people you're right and convince yourself. I mean really convince yourself. Don't believe anything you hear, at all, ever. Hold everything up to the light of skepticism and be prepared to feel cold, alone, small, insignificant and scared. Be prepared to doubt, to question and to be unsure about everything you do and see and hear. I've had so many people try to convince me of THIS or THAT or even THOSE that I've lost track, and the only conclusion I can reach is that chemicals self replicate, electrons fire and we are aware of this. I'm aware that perceptions have been tabulated, behaviours predicted and laws and theories formed. If you want to argue about that, be my guest.
Life is nonsensical, unfair and fleeting, and that's the way it's gonna stay. The least you can do is try and figure that shit out before awareness ceases. Get on board.

Rain Man was a Retard

Autism (and it's associated disorders) are very strange. I'm not sure about the ratio of non-autistic to autistic people in western society, so I can't make a claim like "we all know someone with autism." Personally, I do know someone with the condition, and it's quite surreal to see someone who, despite being surrounded by people who speak English and communicate in the same way most other people do, has created their own means of communicating and interacting with the world. It does make you appreciate the ability to communicate.
On Facebook, there is a thing going around called the Autism Spectrum Quotient Test, which basically tells you how strong the autistic traits in your personality are. 0 means you have absolutely none while 50 means you have nothing but, with the whole numbers in between giving you a mild indication of where you sit. The average for men is 17, while the average for women is 15. I scored 13, indicating I have less autistic traits than the average man or woman.
Autism is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as "abnormalities in social and communication development, in the presence of marked repetitive behaviour and limited imagination." These may be mild or extreme, but all people exhibit some traits of autism, even if they're specific to certain times or subjects. What was interesting to read was the article in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders on the test, published 17/05/01. According to said article, students of maths and science scored considerably higher than those of humanities and social sciences. Indeed, British Mathematical Olympiad winners scored 24 on average. Analyses of students scoring greater than or equal to 32 yielded that of the 11, 7 met the criteria for Aspergers Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism.
Traditionally, when one is seen as talented at maths or science, they are called "smart". Especially in high school, if someone scores well in maths and science tests, they're a smart kid who's going to go far. Meanwhile, doing well at English, Drama, Art or Music doesn't earn you such accolades. And yet, consider how the subjects are taught. "Marked repetitive behaviour"? You mean like grinding out the same problem fifty times? All through high school, I persistently bitched to teachers about "why should we do all 50 of these questions? 30 of them are pretty much the same and the next 20 are pretty much the same but slightly harder." And yet, it was the kids who memorised the process without really understanding it who scored top marks. It might have just been me, but do you know who I thought the smartest kid was? The guy who listened to the theory behind the problem, has a quick read of the process and solved the hardest question first. Did he/she need to go back and do all the simple ones? Of course not, because they got it the first time.
Memorising facts doesn't make you smart. It makes you a computer. And yet we reward people with the ability to commit to memory processes of solving problems and grinding out the same ideas over and over again. You could almost be forgiven for thinking that public school brings the autism out. This is hyperbole, of course, but if you're worried about people not communicating well enough, socialising effectively or demonstrating enough creativity, maybe we need to look at the high school mince meat grinder (Pink Floyd imagery for the win).
Society needs people who are very good at maths and science as much as it needs writers, thinkers and communicators. It's indisputable. However, it would be nice to see some equal recognition for people from different schools. How about, instead of engineers being "smart" and imaginative people being "out there" or "a bit nutty," we do our best to acknowledge the differences between the minds of people and the different skills that contribute to our society. And yes, this is all because I used to get called smart when I studied Engineering and now I don't because I'm studying Journalism and Writing. I'm petty, get over it.

...but no, just keep believing whatever the hell you want.

I read an interesting article on Wikipedia tonight, listing common misconceptions about about science, physiology, religion and various other subjects. Now, Wiki isn't the definitive source of, you know, stuff, but it wasn't too in depth and it was an interesting read. One consistent theme seemed to be that these misconceptions are propagated by people hearing them and assuming they're true. It seems that someone designated more intelligent claimed something, which was in turn taken to be true by other folks. How strange.
Following my claim that one shouldn't believe anything until they have a specific reason to, and not the other way around, in a tutorial at uni, I was greeted with stunned looks. "Man, your life must be pretty empty" was the quote from my tutor. First of all, ouch. That's a pretty harsh thing to say to someone you barely know. But I have no evidence to support my life is empty, what with my friends, hobbies and interests, so no harm done. Second of all, if I can turn that statement on its head, how empty must your life be if you accept stuff without reason to? How poor must your opinion of your own judgement be if you buy into anything anyone says?
I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to ANYONE about ANYTHING. That's equally retarded. What I'm saying is that if someone posits an idea or a viewpoint and can only back it up with "I heard it somewhere" or "some guy said it," it's a little flawed. Equally, just because you WANT to believe something, doesn't make it true. Obviously, if someone with a qualification makes a statement about their field, and can back it up with clear reasoning or a citation of a recognised text, go nuts, believe it all you want. That's not an argument from authority, it's how one should approach all information.
Do I believe anything without proper reasoning? Sure. I believe country music sucks the big one. Like, aggressively. It's just a really bad form of music, in my opinion. But that's an opinion, not a truth or a worldview. You can argue that everyone is entitled to whatever worldview they want, but is that really fair? Are people really entitled to believe just anything without proper rationalisation or proof? Should we abide that kind of thing? It's a big, philosophical question that I cannot answer. However, I can say that it has been proven that people's worldviews can actively cause harm; see racism, homophobia, religious killings et al. Are you really doing the right thing by other people by NOT grounding all your views and opinions in reality and observations? It might offer you some comfort or help you make sense of your life, but really, you're just making stuff up to make yourself feel better.
I encourage everyone to be a cynic, a skeptic and basically a massive naysayer about EVERYTHING. If anyone makes any claim to you, ask them to prove it. Ask them to back it up. And bone up on logical fallacies, knowing about them is the greatest weapon against misinformation. I'm talking arguments from authority, arguments from popularity, all that stuff. They're great to know. The Wiki article is a pretty good start, and "The Art of Always Being Right" by Schopenhauer is also a good read, if a little florid and dense. The point is, be skeptical, doubt everything and search for reasoning in everything you do.

P.S. If I get any comments along the lines of "but you just believe in science as much as we do in [insert left field, unverified idea here], I will write a post probably even longer than this one about why that is incorrect.

Yes I'm Free. To Do What I Want. Any Old Time.

It boggles my fucking mind how people's definitions of stuff seems to stop at whether or not they like it or approve of it. That seems like a bit of a weird sentence, so let me clarify with an example.
So, I attend Edith Cowan University. Stop laughing. Anyway, the powers that be have decided that it is in the best interest of students to make the entire campus non-smoking. Now, my bullshit detector started going off when I heard that, there's no way that could be a thing, right? But no, it turns out it's true. The Vice-Chancellor is implementing such a plan. Well, needless to say, I flipped my shit and let everybody in a five kilometre radius know. Sidenote, I don't smoke, but I don't mind the smell and I'm not such a big pansy that someone smoking out in the open air makes me cry.
Imagine my surprise when the fascists that seem to surround me in my daily life were on board with this plan. "Yes!" they cried out in unison. "Let the powers that be stop smoking on campus! Huzzahs all round!" "But wait," I said, now a tad concerned. "Aren't you a bit concerned about the gradual removal of our freedoms?" I do hate using a slippery slope argument, what with it being a logical fallacy and all, but it does raise the question of what freedoms we're entitled to and which we aren't. Well, the ubiquitous reply seemed to be "but I don't like smoking."
Well excuse me! I didn't realise your personal tastes dictated the freedoms of everyone else! What about the people who like cigarettes? Are they somehow less entitled to voice their opinion? You know what? I think we had a pretty good system with the "smoking outside" rule. You know, out in the open air, smoke dissipating out so no-one(unless you're about a foot away from said cigarette) has to deal with it. If you walk past someone smoking a cigarette, then bitch that you can smell cigarettes and that you don't like it, there's something wrong with you. I can't stand the smell of red bull, we should totally ban the sale of it.
This is exactly the same as the "ban obscene art" or "death metal isn't music" arguments. Someone has a personal distaste, so rather than be mature and live and let live, it becomes a case of "BAN THE THING I DON'T LIKE, FOR I AM THE AUTHORITY ON ALL THINGS GOOD AND MORAL!" You know what, it's an old chestnut, but I'm more offended by censorship than I am of the things they censor. Yeah, there exists some art that is pretty fuckin' crazy, there exists some music I don't like at all, there exists some habits people have that I quite despise. But you know what I do? I just ignore the things I dislike. It's remarkably easy. Oh, there's a painting I dislike? Guess I won't look. There's some music I don't care for? Best I don't listen. Someone drinking red bull? Guess I'll just move away. I'm not going to be a fucking fascist and demand that they change their behaviour because I disagree.
Freedom isn't limited to just stuff you like. Get the fuck over yourself. If you can't accept that people do things you don't necessarily agree with, maybe you're just intolerant. Which is your failing, not ours.

Smells Like Middle Age Spirit

People! it's the rapture! It's the end of fucking times! Granted, there hasn't been any plagues of locusts or frogs, and the waters haven't run red as if they were blood, but there is one telltale sign. The dead have walked the earth again!
I find it a little odd when, in the past two years, I've watched Alice In Chains, Jane's Addiction, Faith No More and The Pixies, purchased the new Stone Temple Pilots album and am super psyched for the Soundgarden reunion. To give it some context, these are all bands that broke up when I was ten or younger. Bands I love, but bands that were from another place, another time... Also, there's a Suede reunion in the UK going on which is pretty fucking sweet, they rule.
Why the fucking reunion jamboree all of a sudden? It was kinda cool when AIC found a new singer, it was just like they took a 15 year break, but then The Pixies playing Doolittle cover to cover, then Jane's Addiction and Faith No More headlining Soundwave... then the rumours flying around about THIS 90's band or THAT 90's band or even THOSE guys from the 90's getting back on the wagon... I love these bands but it's getting a bit old. I'm not begrudging them the right to reform, and goddamn if we don't need Soundgarden now more than ever, but the cynic in me can't help but feel like it's all too close together, all really close to the US and Euro festival season, and then Australian festival season follows and I'm 300 bucks in the hole because all the lineups smell of fresh baked nostalgia cookies.
Am I the only person who really respects The Smiths for having a proper break up? Morrissey and Johnny Marr have pretty much said they aren't going to work together again, and they've stuck to their guns. They both went off, have had new careers all their own and got on with their lives. Like mature adults. But all these reunions now, it's like a page right out of high school. "OMG Soungarden can't get back together because Matt Cameron has been seeing Pearl Jam and Chris Cornell was all like 'no way, biatch!'". If you're going to break up the band, try not to cynically cash in 10 years down the track, OK? You're cheapening everything you stood for, back in the day when all you had was a handful of riffs and a fuck you attitude. I can see the wedding rings and grey hairs now, illusion shattered. But thanks anyway, thanks for selling cherished memories back to me at today's prices.
I'm still going to see all these bands when they come through, when am I going to get the chance to see Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart (arguably one of the best songs ever) played live? It's still great music, these legends from yesteryear, but it does leave a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth to see 40 year old ex-rockers cashing in on their name to a generation of young music fans. If I had a time machine, I'd just go back to early 90's Seattle and do it the proper way, but lamentably it's on the fritz, so big money for old guys it is.

P.S. Special mention goes out to Scott Weiland, who has never changed. He looks the same and is still as stupid, destructive and wasteful as he was in the 90's. My hat goes off to you, Scott, you never stopped rocking. Champion.

I Made a Score-Point!

It was a bit of a strange time in Australia if you don't care about sports. We had a grand final of some description, which ended as a draw. As such, we had to have another one because apparently the Australian Football League (not proper football, our own retarded variant) has no fucking idea what to do if a draw happens. I can imagine the boardroom after the result came in: A bunch of old, ex-players looking sheepishly at each other before one finally says "...so, I guess we have to play it again, then?" What a stupid game. Extra Time, penalty kicks, captain on captain knife-fighting... these are all viable alternatives. Hell, I'd pay money just to see the knife-fighting.
I don't really get sport that much. I played football (the proper kind) as a kid, and my family follows it, so I've always just kinda understood the game. I can watch a top-level match and enjoy it, especially if there are friends and liquor present. Yet, for whatever reason, in my adult life, I can't relate to any other sport that people seem to watch... it's literally just men running into other men to me.
Rugby, basketball, AFL... it's all very homo-erotic, isn't it? I mean, that's the obvious gripe, I doubt I'm the first person to make the astute observation of "lots of men, wearing very little, getting all sweaty and rubbing up against each other is a little gay, at least in theory." If I don't like watching it at a gay bar, I'm probably not going to like it in a sports rink/court/pitch/whatever. There was an ad over here that was a testament to the stupidity of AFL fans in general, where camp icon Jerry Hall said "22 men running around in tiny shorts? I'd watch that." If that doesn't demonstrate the massive cock-thirst of the entire institution, I don't know what does.
But more than that, isn't all sport just a holdover from a much more boring time? I mean, I get it, in ancient times when all you had was a ball and an expanse, you had to make your own fun. Maybe there was a guy who was really good at whatever ball sport was concocted, so people watched it. And I get why people still play sport, exercise prevents obesity and death (yes, fatties, you could have dodged your wobbly bullet by kicking a football around) and playing a game with friends is more fun than going for a walk or gym for an hour. What I can't quite understand is how one man's talent at, oh I don't know, KICKING A PIECE OF PLASTIC AROUND FOR A BIT, elevates them unto ridiculous celebrity.
It's not the player's fault they get paid well. With all the money that gets poured into the institution, it would be unfair NOT to pay them well. Ideally they'd make a decent wage and the rest of the revenue would go to a charity of some description, but people are selfish and all it would take is one club not to do that and the whole thing would become unbalanced. It's really the fault of the rabid sports fans, turning ordinary men into "legends" (a word thrown around far too loosely these days). What is it, you have too much testosterone and a handful of broken dreams so you have to live vicariously through young men who made the grade? Is it any wonder you get guys like Ben Cousins going off the rails? They're early twenties, making ridiculous amounts of cash by getting angry and competitive while having everyone telling them they're great and somehow special. Show me anyone, anywhere, in that situation who wouldn't go off the rails in one way or another! And then society as a whole has the audacity to shake their finger at their fallen idol... You aren't helping your case with me, folks.
Me disliking sports as an entertainment is purely an opinion, it's just another thing people do to kill time. There's literally no difference between watching a game of football, watching a concert, playing a video game, getting a little high, going for a walk, playing drums, baking... all that crap. If you're mature about it. Where it becomes a problem is when the element of competitiveness takes over, when testosterone fuelled meathead behaviour turns something benign into a cancer on society, with young men built up to broken down and anger and rivalry is promoted, rather than condemned. Our modern approach to sport as an entertainment has no place in a civilized society, it is simply a stubborn habit that people refuse to break. And it's really kinda gay.

P.S. I have similar feelings about the music industry as a whole as well, so don't give me the "but musicians get the same crazy pay and star treatment" spiel.

To Celebrate, I'm Going to Incinerate Some Brain Cells

Things learned on the belated celebration of the anniversary of my existence:

1) Quality > Quantity, especially with friends. Nothing beats the company of some close friends and a lot of liquor.

2) Making drinks is an incredible talent. Anne-Marie at Universal Bar gets the official Tuesday Night Wrist Seal of "I'm OK With Your Existence".

3) You aren't charming when you're drunk. More often than not, you sound like an idiot.

4) You could have known someone to say "hi" to for 6 years and not known they're a champ; strike up conversations with everyone, everywhere.

5) Chartreuse is fucked up, no one should drink that shit. Seriously, crazy french monk bastards, do you really have nothing better to do than make such vile poison?

6) It's REALLY funny when friends can't hold their liquor.

7) It's a really small world, especially here in Perth

8) Garlic sauce is infinitely better than Satay sauce in a doner kebab. Additionally, a double meat doner kebab, baklava, mountain dew and water will prevent hangover.

9) If you ingest the right combination of chemicals, in just the right balance, you might lucid-dream a premise for a fantasy novel.

Yeah, it was a good night.

Without Anger, I Am Nothing.

I've been a victim of my own hubris before, whether it's insisting that I can eat 8 Mighty Angus burgers in a row while drunk and feeling so ridiculously sick afterward or insisting that I could walk around on a ruptured ankle ligament and finding myself in ridiculous pain. In both these instances, my belief in myself and my ability to do retarded shit in a consistent and thorough fashion has resulted in a lot of unpleasantness. You think I would learn, but frankly, I'm just far to stupid.
You might be wondering where I'm going with this. "What could he be angry about today?" could be running through your head as you start to doubt your lord and master's ability to provide a bitch on a weekly basis. Well, the fact is, I've got nothing, really. There's a few things I'm mildly miffed about, but they are either too insubstantial to get me rolling on a good rant or not quite irritating enough to get me really fired up. I am calm, zen, happy. I'm sipping a cup of tea and watching the lifestyle channel while discussing curtains. I've become that which I once hated.
And that annoys me. You see, the world is a gigantic shithole full of awful people saying dumb things. If you aren't pissed off about SOMETHING, you aren't really paying attention. Train drivers striking because an essential service like them hasn't received a pay rise (even one just to keep up with inflation!) in 4 years... that's pretty horrible. There's still racism, there's still poverty, there's still greed. Even on trivial shit, Soundgarden aren't playing Big Day Out 2011, that kinda sucks. There is so much to complain about, every single person out there SHOULD be able to do what I do, provide a 3-5 paragraph spiel every week about something that is angering or frustrating them.
Stripped of my amazing complaining powers, I wander this earth a lost soul, devoid of meaning or purpose. Or, you know, I would, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm in a super good mood lately... the reasons for this are aware of their existence. But long story short, I have exposed myself as the shallow and irrational person I am, deep down inside. To everyone, I implore you: Do NOT lose your anger, your vitriol or your disappointment just because you're in a good mood. There's still shit out there. Tune in next week when I get my groove back and go on for 10 paragraphs about something trivial that is pissing me off.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I fucking hate U2. So goddamn much. I hate them for so many reasons. There's pure, visceral, corrosive hatred leaking out of orifices I just sprouted out of hatred over that band. Why? Because I loved them once, and they hurt me.
They used to be good. Listen to albums like The Unforgettable Fire or The Joshua Tree... these are excellent pieces of music; original, impassioned, honest yet well composed... great albums. Obviously I'm a little young to have watched them blossom from cute young Irish lads with a knack for delay and cooking potatoes to international potato megastars, but I do have a father with a vinyl collection, so there's that. I'm even going to give them the benefit of the doubt for those strange years in the 90's, because there were still some good songs there. I challenge anyone to tell me that songs like "One" or "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" are bad songs, because you would be wrong if you posited this. The problem kinda hits in the late 90's though, when the soul just seems to fall out of them.
I received "All That You Can't Leave Behind" in 2001 for my birthday, it was one of the first albums that was mine. That should be a momentous... thing, a thing you hold onto and cherish and all that crap, but it wasn't. Here was a 12-year-old going "yeah, it's alright, I like a couple songs...". When a fucking 12-year-old gets bored by your music, you know there's a goddamn problem. And I know what you'll say, you'll be all like "but they sell out massive shows and I like their songs and durpy durpy durpy duuuurp" and posit that because they're selling more now, they must be great. Idiot. They appeal to people like you now because they started putting out samey, middle of the road crap that appeals to people with boring office jobs, two bratty kids and unfulfilled dreams. Your life is shitty and you like shitty music.
And then you get the hardcores, who buy every new U2 album out of some misguided loyalty to the band because they've been listening for a long time, sometimes since they started. I'm going to tell you this right now, in no uncertain terms: YOU DON'T OWE THEM SHIT! They're just artists putting out a product, and if you like it, fine. If you don't, you don't need to reason with yourself as to why you should listen to it anyway! Most bands change direction, this is a thing artists do. There are artists who've had changes of direction I've liked, and artists I don't. I have a veritable buttload of bands of which I only listen to one or two of their releases regularly with the others doing nothing for me, then I have bands whom I enjoy everything they've done. There's no loyalty, just personal enjoyment. Do I still listen to Master of Puppets? Fuck yes I do. Would I see Metallica now, or buy their latest album, or even really pay attention to what they've been doing recently? God no, their most recent output has been turdpies. That doesn't make Master any worse, just as Master doesn't make any of their new stuff not-turdpies.
Anyway, U2. Pile of puffed up dog shit. Terrible, boring music made by rich old men who've completely forgotten where they're from. U2 fans, horrible sycophants who're basically the same as cultists, paying for something so they can feel part of an exclusive clique of like minded idiots. You hurt me, Edge. You hurt me deep down in my pants, but it's ok, because I have taste, so I don't buy into your ridiculous bullshit. I hate you all. Especially Bono.

Titles Are For Lazy Bastards

Let's talk about education, shall we? No, wait, before I get going, just a heads up; this is me in full on rant mode, most of the things I say here are observations, I don't have figures supporting what I say. Just roll with it, it all ties together logically.

So, education system. What a load of shit. I swear to god, you hope against hope that teachers will be mature and not fuck with the already fragile minds of teenagers, but no, we get "OH-EM-GEE EVERYTHING YOU DO HERE WILL AFFECT YOUR LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS AND IF YOU FUCK UP HERE YOU WILL BE A HOMELESS BUM FOREVER!" Excellent, outstanding, that's exactly what kids need to hear. If you fuck up here, you've fucked up forever; that seems to be the crux of what high school teachers are trying to get across. Just throwing it out there, but FUCK THAT SHIT. I get it, you want to motivate them, make them do well in everything they do, open doors, all that crap, but this is not the way to motivate teenagers! To anyone who has said that the education system is too soft nowadays, choke on your own vomit and die. Yeah, it's softened up in some aspects, but it's still the same focus on rote learning, the same chip-away-the-edges education that tries to make everyone into good little worker drones that fit the mold and don't ask too many questions. It's FUCKED. You want motivated students? How about offering them something a bit more than just the rigid, personality crushing banality of memorizing facts? How about offering them the opportunity to learn about what interests them and letting them find their own way in the world rather than piling the stress on them until they latch onto some course or career to shut the shrieking voices up?

Then tertiary education. How excellent it is that there are institutions where people can learn the skills and gain the qualifications to become functioning, contributing members of society. Oh, what's that, they're privately owned and run to make a profit? Well, that doesn't sound right... Oh, wait, never mind, the government will subsidize it, that seems fair considering we're there to enter the workforce and help the country. Except the debt is passed onto you when you start working. Nothing like delaying the pain to make it better. Not only that, the student allowances allocated to people who study are so miniscule that it's barely worth claiming them, especially because they're diminished if you work. So university students are working part time jobs to make ends meet between classes and assignments. Does anyone else see an issue with this? Lazy students? Blow it out of your god-forsaken whore arse, I personally work 30 hours a week on top of a full time course load, and I know people that do more. Apprenticeships have the same issues, what with the pathetic pay and hard work. It's marginally better, but it's still a system that imposes hardships on people trying to gain the skills to contribute to society. Why not just shoot all young people? That's what you want, isn't it, you old fuckers? I fucking loathe the baby boomers.

Ok, that's leading into a new rant, but I'll cut it there. Long story short, the education system makes depressed little worker drones who have to work ridiculously hard and have a stigma of laziness attached to them by a generation of greedy, spoiled, destructive 40-somethings just to get a foot in the door of the world of careers and home ownership. What tremendous bullshit.

Soooooooooo Tired

For reasons I'll cover in the proper post, this week's update is going up on wednesday night. To tide you over, listen to the music of Minute 36, for they are amazing. Here's the link to their myspace: http://www.myspace.com/minute36

About Fuckin' Time!

Woo! Australia has a government! And it's the one I wanted at that. Huzzahs all 'round. I tuned in halfway through Oakeshott's speech and goddamn did the boy have a lot to say, but I'm not begrudging him that.
Additionally, a big fuck you to Bob Katter. The guy might be funny, but describing yourself as a socialist (it's in the West Australian from 4th Sept 2010) then swinging towards Tony H. Christ is straight up hypocrisy. Side note, the H. Christ suffix is meant to be derogatory.
OK, to business. Promises broken, blood of the workers oiling the big machines, fat cats getting rich off the sweat of our brows, blah blah blah. Very little will change, but it's a step in the right direction, so great stuff all round. Bring on the moral decay!

I Want To Destroy, Possibly.

Man, fuckin' punk music. Ruined a generation of musicians. It's fucking ridiculous. Punk has got to be the only genre where the look and the philosophy was more important than the music. Seriously, what the hell?
Early punk, waaaay back in the day, man that was dumb. What was it, rock music got too hard for the common man, so you had to play sped up Chuck Berry riffs and sing about bus drivers? If you can sit there and tell me that Pink Floyd made bad music, or it was too smart for you, or it didn't speak to your problems, you're either a liar or an idiot. The truth is, these were garage musicians who made a career out of being loud and abrasive for no reason, and a generation of disenfranchised English youth were dumb enough to latch on.
Then you get this divergence. With the exception of some particularly talented hardcore groups like Bad Brains and Black Flag, who were all skilled at the instruments and genuinely interesting musicians (Greg Ginn for the win), you just had a bunch of guys trying to smash powerchords as fast as they could. Don't believe me? Listen to Minor Threat or The Circle Jerks (two very influential and respected hardcore bands) and tell me where the melodies, or the cool harmony, or the trenchant insights, or the interesting structuring, or ANYTHING experimental or different is. Hell, fuck different, point out something catchy and I'll call it a draw.
And then there's "Post-Punk" or whatever that term means, because I'll be damned if you could call Gang of Four or Magazine even remotely punk. I've heard The Smiths referred to as "Post-Punk". Yeah, sure, they emerged after punk, but so did Poison, and i'd say The Smiths music is about as punk-y as Poison anyway. Seems to me like any band designated "Post-Punk" was just a band punks wanted to latch onto, regardless of how "punk" they were.
Then there's straight-edge, emo, no-wave... just a rich tapestry of dumb ideas latched onto by losers. I'm not saying that punk fans are any more or less of losers than metalheads, prog nuts, raver kids or any of that stupid shit, it's aaaaaaaaaall stupid. What I am saying is that punk is so expansively stupid, yet it has this lasting cultural legacy that just makes me wonder where musicians went bad. John McGeoch is an awesome guitarist, stop associating him with you!

Ruth Callaghan is a God-Damn Champ

Why do I love doing a Media Law and Ethics unit? I'll tell you why, it's because it's a little insight into just how badly my arse is going to get sued if this fucker gets popular. It's AWESOME. So far, the list of shit I could be charged with is:

At least one count of Sedition (communicating something critical of the established order)
Inciting criminal acts (I've got assault and theft in there somewhere)
Inciting hatred against a group of people (idiots and liberal voters, I suppose)
A butt-load of defamation.

You know the great thing? If enough people read this, the Federal Government can take action against me! Just for writing a blog. It's so awesome I might cry. Everyone, become a follower, tell your friends, go viral. Let's get my arse in the papers.

Is It Tomorrow, Or Just the End of Time?

All reality is a world perceived by senses and a brain that assumes the senses are telling the truth. A chemical reaction decoded by a computer. Well, then reality is just chemical.

I just love being told about the horrors of drug use by drunk friends. It's fuckin' fantastic. "You don't know what that shit is doing to you" while you down your third long island iced tea. Wow, how insightful. I'm going to make it clear, I'm not talking about drug addiction or drug abuse, these are separate issues. What I'm talking about is the decision that alcohol is somehow on this pedestal where you can use it (that's right, use, it is a drug) regularly and that's fine but any other drug is somehow deviant.
The first response is normally "but alcohol is legal", which smacks of poor reasoning. Yes, alcohol is legal, but this has nothing to do with health benefits or government insight; alcohol and tobacco are pretty much the worst things for you and when's the last time you saw a really aggressive pothead? Obviously stuff like ice is the exception because it's ridiculously addictive, bad for you and makes you aggressive, but very few other substances pose that specific set of issues.
Government rulings like not allowing marijuana consumption in public areas because it promotes antisocial behaviour makes no sense. How is being stoned any more antisocial than getting drunk? It's probably more social, when's the last time you saw a bunch of stoners get into a fight?
Long story short, it's yet another example of people passively accepting what they're told without even thinking about it themselves. Yet another aimless wander down the road away from social freedoms and towards fascism. You know what, it's probably the same douchebags who voted Liberal. Thanks a lot, you conservative smeg-pipe, for perpetuating the myth that the biggest threat to the ostraaahlyan way of life is refugees and young people. I hope you choke and die.

I Got 99 Problems...

I'm going to come clean... I dislike hip-hop. I really do. Maybe it's the fact that, throughout high school, FM radio was pretty much saturated with it, or maybe it's the fact that it just does absolutely nothing for me, musically, I'm not sure. At any rate, the idea of stripping music down to lyric and rythym has always seemed kinda dumb to me, and no amount of nifty sound effects and street poetry can really help me get over the lack of melodies or cool musical ideas.
Like most lonely, sad losers, I got into Radiohead, and from there I discovered trip-hop like Massive Attack and Portishead, and I was quite shocked to find that you could do something kinda cool with hip-hop ideas. Even bands like The Gorillaz, who used rapping interludes in their music, seemed to do it really well. Needless to say, my preconceived notions had been shattered, and being wrong about something worried me.
Just recently, I listened to an album by the unfortunately named Jaydiohead, which is a mashup of Jay-Z rapping and Radiohead backing tracks. It was very entertaining and warrants repeated listens. I recommend it to all out there. Could it... could it be that I'm slowly becoming a hip-hop fan? No, of course not, don't be retarded. The answer is far more pleasing to a cynic like me.
They aren't talented. We'd suspected it for a while, but now we have proof. Sure, they can write nifty rhymes and such, but musically, they're about as talented as a bowl of slightly cooled custard with flies in it. By "they", I of course mean "rappers" and by "talented" I mean "possessing the ability to write good music". Yes, just as I had predicted, music should probably be left up to the musicians. Good thing, too, they're generally the best at it.
I feel bad for denigrating an entire genre of music, but I do it to country all the time and frankly it's just what I've observed. Just putting together a string of observations; I've never liked rapping or hip-hop, talented musicians take some ideas from said genres and make it something enjoyable, I still don't like old rapping or hip-hop. Seems like a forgone conclusion, really.

It's like bullet time, but with the law.

OK, so it has come to my attention that a lot of the things I post, will post and plan to post in the future are incredibly defamatory, which could get my arse sued. This is something I hope to avoid. So, here we go;

The content posted in this blog since its inception and on into perpetuity are purely satirical and for entertainment purposes only. The Last Whiny Man would like to express that the opinions expressed, even the ones expressed explicitly and/or implicitly by him, are in no way an expression of the opinions held by The Last Whiny Man and his associated companies*. All content, even that which cites sources or proclaims itself to be true, is fictional or expressed as parody.

Ok, I think I'm covered.

*Associated companies include Go Fuck Yourself Industries and the Why Don't You Go and Die Partnership.

How does it feeeeeeeeel...

Rolling Stone magazine, oh how we love you. The insightful columns and reviews are matched only by your dedication to good music journalism. You are as fresh today as you were when you were first published. ...I'm sorry, I couldn't do that with a straight face. Rolling Stone blows.
I doubt there's ever been a product or publication in history that has a bigger divergence between what they are and what they say they are. Flip through the magazine and you'll find self congratulatory advertisements (for their own magazine) bragging about how Rolling Stone is part of the "Rock Lifestyle" and news sections about only the most cookie cutter and bland artists out today. The latest issue contains a cover feature of Katy Perry posing in her underwear and calling her the "wild Katy Perry", as well as articles about Michael Cera and Sting. Wow, way to keep us up to date on everything alternative, boys.
The last two editions of Rolling Stone had Lady GaGa and the cast of Glee on the covers, further proving their descent into mainstream mediocrity. Sadder still, their attempts to remain relevant (i.e. setting up an online magazine) are more the fodder for pity than interest. The online magazine (or e-mag if you're over 50 and are a computer illiterate moron, like all old people) only features stories found in the print issues anyway, but with the sole advantage of making it easier to flick past such hard hitting articles as "Pink, She So Craaaaazy" or something similar.
And the lists! 100 greatest 80's albums, 1000 must see bands, histories top 10 000 bass players! Do you have a team of accounts desperately crunching numbers to decide what albums should go onto the top 56 90's albums, or just a cabal of numeromancers who tell you that, in fact, it's Nirvana's Nevermind? Wow, that's totally unexpected, I cut myself on the edge of that edgy story.
I can't blame old institutions like Rolling Stone for desperately suckling on their last teat before all the baby boomers finally die and no-one gives a shit about magazines anymore. But you have to laugh as they try to stay relevant in a world where attention spans have become far to small to turn pages. Don't buy Rolling Stone, just let them quietly stop breathing.

Two for One Deal on Rage

There are two things that are the grain of sand in the oyster shell of my mind this week, one rather large and scary, the other seemingly innocuous. The following tales are true, prepare to be horrified.

1) Yet more tales from newspaper write in sections. I became aware of this via a letter in Saturday's West Australian, and then a short search in Google revealed a bunch of related sites (although one was a troll, which ruled).
Intellectual discrimination. You heard me right, intellectual discrimination. Apparently denying someone the right to take a job or a university course because their intelligence is insufficient to complete the tasks effectively is discrimination. The main crux of this is that, like race, gender and sexual preference, people cannot choose their level of intellect, and therefore it's a type of discrimination. You know what, for the sake of argument, let's say that is valid. Some people do work better academically than others, it's an easily observed phenomenon. By the same token, some people are naturally more creative, while others are better with their hands, et cetera. Variety is the spice of life, don't order it mild, you goddamn pussy. But, and here's the catch, do you want a midget bodyguard? A colour blind electrician? A newsreader with a speech impediment? These are all things that people can't control, why should it be a factor?
The answer? Because it affects their ability to do their job well. Why should universities reject applications from people who do not demonstrate the academic ability or intellectual capacity to pass the course? Because they'll fail the goddamn course! This is exactly the kind of PC crap that makes people think that everything is discrimination and that middle class white men are the worst people ever. Snobbish, conspiratorial discrimination by academia? Really? Is that really the obvious answer? Or maybe it's just that the idiots have finally spoken up for their right to be stupid. Speak on, noble fuckwits.

2) This utter fuckfest of an election. Videos like this make me wonder if this country ever has a hope in hell of moving out of conservative right wing borderline fascism: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVTR79_mBOM&). Between this kind of half scare tactic, half appeal to emotion reasoning and douchebags like Stephen Conroy, You could be forgiven for thinking that Australia is actually an offshore settlement of Alabama.
"Real 'straahlyans need ta stop da boats, coz they're takin' all our jerbs!" has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard, especially when people consider that the percentage of the population increase attributed to boat people is less than one percent, while the percentage of the increase attributed to refugees and asylum seekers is still just under 5% (source: http://www.crikey.com.au/2010/07/08/crikey-says-mathematics/). But yeah, you lost your job because of the darkies, not your laziness and inability to do a good job, you racist dick. You could almost imagine Tony Abbott saying "Those damn immigants (sic), I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!".
All this pandering, scapegoatism and middle-of-the-road political barrel scraping does, however, have an upside. Interest in the two major parties has fallen, and they're neck and neck in the polls. Factor in an increase in Greens support (I heard recently that it was 14%, a record for them, I believe) and a bright, shiny, warm (and sexy, thanks Fiona) future comes into view. Labor could strike a deal with The Greens to stay in power, meaning that any decisions that go through the Senate would have to be OK-ed by them. Is it perfect? No. Is it a step in the right direction, towards a more open, humanitarian and socially responsible Australia? I say yes. But come voting day, the numbers will tell the real story. I urge everyone to jump on party websites and bone up on what each parties policies are, and make an educated choice. Then crack a beer and kick Tony Abbott squaw in the nuts for being a dick.

Korean BBQ and Theft

We couldn't get hotpot... the place was being renovated. We got Korean BBQ instead.
Interesting sidenote, the RIAA are "protecting" In Rainbows from being illegally downloaded. I didn't write about this one because it's already been covered, so here's the link: http://torrentfreak.com/riaa-protects-radioheads-in-rainbows-100801/
It pisses me off to no end that the record industry at large feels the need to dig in their heels and become bigger bastards than ever in the light of a changing world. Radiohead, with others, have proven that the current model of music distribution is an outdated and money-grubbing system, and this obviously scares them. It must be hard to be told you're obsolete.
Here's the deal; Stop paying for music. Grab it off your friends, download it illegally, whatever. But if you really like the band, donate a bit of money to them, pay for a ticket to see them live, buy some of their merch. Sidestep the brick and mortar money traps of the 60-something year old suit and tie bastards who are more about a quick buck than good music. In doing so, you will literally melt the faces of Pink and Nickelback. OK, not really, but you will stop shit like that existing.
Keep music evil and all that crap; do Thom Yorke a favour and download all your music illegally.

P.S. There aren't going to be two posts a week now, I thought I would be inundated with assignments all of Tuesday so I updated Monday, then busted out the assignments in a few minutes. Meh, blame falling education standards.

...I hate myself for having to do this.

One goddamn week. One week was all it took for uni to take away all my ideas. Fuck. Oh well, I'm going out for Chinese Hotpot tonight, so in the spirit of that great dish, here are the raw ingredients, simmer them how you wish. Or whatever, here's a list of shit that pissed me off this week.

1) "Lying" by Amy Meredith. Fuck this new Aussie band and this catchy-arse song of theirs. It's... garbage, it really is. The fuzzy bass, the boring guitar, the lead singer's whiny voice and the banal lyrics all add up to a song which is just terrible. Except for the fact that it's STUCK IN MY GODDAMN HEAD! Should I hear a snatch of it, for whatever reason, not even a pneumatic jackhammer could dislodge the bastard. Amy Meredith, fuck you and your insidious mind control tactics and start writing good songs.

2) The multitude of awesome bands who I've only just become aware of. This month/week/day/nanosecond it's Band of Horses, Spoon, My Morning Jacket, Sparklehorse and Gojira. All of them brilliant bands whose discographies I wish I had. YouTube, what a saviour you are.

3) People who drive under the speed limit. Seriously, it's a 70 kph zone! Why the fuck are you going 55? I hate you.

4) The campaign trail. I would not give two shits if future prime ministers took even one step out of their house if they were making good, effective policies, rather than just pandering to peoples xenophobia and racism. Seriously, what does Tony Abbott filleting a fish have to do with anything, ever?

5) People with annoying stupid voices that pull faces when they talk and say um all the fucking time and OH MY FUCKING GOD JUST STRING TWO WORDS TOGETHER WITHOUT AN UM OR SMACKING YOUR LIPS OR SOMETHING RETARDED! CHRIST!

6) Writers who have to resort to just spewing off a bunch of opinionated bullshit to cover for their lack of talent. I hate those guys.

Hilarious in its audacity...

I stumbled upon a facebook group entitled "Support Australia's 2022 Official FIFA World Cup Bid". Fuck yes, me joining a facebook group will totally help Australia's chances of hosting the largest sporting event in the world. It'll totally negate the fact that Australia's various football codes seem to have a malicious chip on the shoulder about each others popularity, or the fact that, for a long time, football (soccer if you're retarded) has been denigrated and labelled as the sport of wogs and weirdos in this country. It'll completely wipe clean the memories of the fact that, until we finally qualified for the 2006 World Cup, ending a 28 year absence, the vast majority of this country collectively didn't give a shit about the endeavours of our disastrously named "Socceroos". Fuck you, all you people who would worry that it'll disrupt the "footy". Fuck you, all the people who are so xenophobic as to think that the FIFA World Cup is an irrelevant sporting event. Fuck you, Frank Lowy, for having the audacity to suggest we deserve it and fuck you anyone who agrees. We've got a long fucking way to go.

All That Glitters...

I have liked every song associated with the twilight franchise so far, with the exception of Robert Pattinson's insipid folk offering. Decode is good, I don't usually like Death Cab For Cutie but I liked Meet Me On The Equinox and Neutron Star Collision is brilliant in its pomp. Additionally, the "soundtrack" albums (they aren't really soundtracks, just a bunch of associated songs) read like a who's who of (good) indie and alternative music, with the Eclipse album featuring Metric, The Dead Weather, Florence and the Machine and UNKLE, to name a few. I'm all for getting great talent together in one place, but hot damn do I feel conflicted about the Twilight brand being on it. I'm gonna come clean, I have read all four books, and I did derive some enjoyment out of the first one. The thing is, the fact that it is very thinly veiled religious propaganda and the retarded level of fandom associated with it (I've seen fifty-year-old housewives wearing "Team Edward" shirts) makes me want to ignore it and avoid ever having to acknowledge that, during the course of my life, it existed at all. It's like Pokemon, except instead of having a mouse that shoots electricity (awesome) you have a mopey vampire who avoids fucking his wife (it's in the third book, if I remember correctly). I've trumpeted the "enjoy music for music, not its associated trappings" tune long and hard and I enjoy the music of some artists whose personalities or image i quite dislike, but I can't seem to let this one go. It's not even the "sellout" argument; a lot of the music that goes onto said soundtracks is pretty accurately representative of the artist's styles anyway. I suppose, in the end, ingredients like vampires, Ashley Greene and good music may be awesome on their own, but they may not necessarily add up to something good, especially with a Mormon at the helm.

Clowns, addendum

Coverage of the electoral debate between Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott has been rescheduled to accommodate Masterchef. While this may sound retarded, the simple fact is that the average person in Australia is more committed to watching people cook dishes they've never heard of than watching the two potential future leaders of the country discussing policies. My hat goes off to the people scheduling the coverage, they were honest with themselves and their audience, they accepted that they would never wrestle the average viewers attention out of its routine, especially for a political debate and they didn't commit to a fight they couldn't win. To anyone who feels insulted or offended by the fact that the electoral debate had to be rescheduled, ask yourself; are you offended because it seems like the people scheduling it are condescending you, or is it just that you know you would have been one of the people tuning in to Masterchef (or whatever) and it saddens you? Be honest.

Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right.

Well, well, well, what a sorry fuckin' state we find ourselves in as election time rolls up here in the merry old land of Oz. I've heard several compelling arguments against both major candidates, what with ALP leader Julia Gillard being an atheist redhead with a vagina and a live-in boyfriend and Liberal leader Tony Abbott having funny ears and wearing speedos. To anyone who has made these arguments, or feels that they are in any way valid, I hope you get viciously raped. Without protection. You're a moron. I half wish Peter Costello was still in the fold at Liberal, because "Abbott and Costello" is a pretty solid way to describe the toss salad of idiocy that has been everything political these past few weeks and months, from the decisions to the media coverage to the opinions spouted by the kind of people who send letters into newspaper write-in columns starting with "I'm not prejudiced, but.." and sign off as Indignant from Mongoloid Central. What the fuck is wrong with you people? I'm not saying "vote for who I tell you", but at least have the common decency to fire off a few synapses and form an opinion based on something a bit more cerebral than "I don't like the way they look/speak/scratch their nose". These are the people who are going to be running the country! Grow a fucking brain cell or two!
And while the momentum of rage carries me, what the fuck is the horse meat issue? I bet you're sitting there, all smugly self satisfied, telling yourself that only wogs and deviants eat horse while you chow down on your chicken wrapped in bacon with a side of meatballs, hopelessly ignorant of your own hypocrisy. There is no difference whatsoever between eating horse and eating any other bred and farmed animal. They're cute? Alright, let's go get some lamb chops, or some veal if you're gutsy. It's tough? First of all, no it isn't (and I have eaten horse, so blow it out your ass), and second of all, as if you would know, incinerating steaks on a barbeque for a good hour until it resembles a sneaker in both taste and texture, you uncultured shit. I swear, I can nary catch a snippet of conversation without hearing a view so malformed it makes Joseph Merrick look like Grace Kelly. Not that any of you idiots would even know who they are. Ugh, fuck this, I'm going to go eat a panda and vote for the Sex Party.

Gift Horse Dentist

I love getting free stuff. It’s like winning a prize for being yourself. In a world where you are charged for earning money (traditionally called income tax, but it’s basically the same thing), it’s nice to get something for nothing. So, when I heard that How To Destroy Angels was offering their debut EP as a free download, it was like Trent Reznor himself was buying me a drink, just for being a champ. Cheers, Trent. For the record, I don’t download any free EP that comes my way, but being the salivating Nine Inch Nails fan that I am, I was pretty excited for this project as it was. For the terminally clueless, How To Destroy Angels is a project composed of Nine Inch Nails main man Reznor, his singer wife Mariqueen Maandig and producer Atticus Ross. It was promised to be a more ambient, laid back sound than NIN, but with Reznor’s track record of brilliance, expectations were high.
He didn’t disappoint. Just from listening to the EP, I can tell that he handled most of the instruments, while his wife sung and Atticus Ross produced. It’s synthy and has a lot of cool beats and grooves, as well as some catchy sections that would be right at home on the radio, in a good way. Even when Trent ramps up the abrasion factor, like the atonal guitar on “Parasite”, it’s still melodic and catchy. Fans of NIN’s heavier stuff may be disappointed, there’s no “Wish” or “March of the Pigs” here, but it has the indelible stamp of a Reznor work from the composition to the playing to the production.
The cynic in me is demanding that there has to be a catch. The EP is definitely worth more than the $0 dollars I paid for it. Of course, it’s obviously a marketing stunt; the EP was released through Reznor’s label; The Null Corporation, and in releasing it for free he has ensured more people will get to hear it. It’s like handing out free samples; if the product was crap, no one would care, but with this quality EP he’s ensured a ready and waiting audience for the full length album when it is released. Hell, it worked on me; I’d fork out for it when it comes out.
Is this really so bad? Rather than seeing banner ads for the latest American Idol abortion and having to listen to the stew of stupidity that is FM radio (that new Travis McCoy and Bruno Mars song, something about being a billionaire, is fucking mind poison. I want to castrate them both.), this kind of marketing lets the consumer decide for themselves, and it ensures that the music that stands up to a discerning audience is the music that is successful. With any luck, for the price of a free EP, I also got another nail in the music industry’s coffin. And a very entertaining nail it is.