Keepin' It Topical!

So, another Australia Day is upon us. As is law and custom, I'm going to drink an unhealthy amount of alcohol to commemorate a thing that happened at one point. I believe it pisses off aboriginals. So, that's that. Anyway, I have some particularly patriotic friends, overflowing with national pride like the little racists they are. Yeah, you heard me. Apparently Australia Day is a day to celebrate all that is Australian (I doubt this is really the case, but it's what people seem to say), and so in the proud spirit of being a smartass, here is a smattering of reasons why you're wrong.
Mis-pronouncing the name of your country probably doesn't do it proud, you morons. I know four syllables is a lot, and my sympathy goes out to you, but seriously, stop saying "ostraya" or "'strahlya" or whatever the hell it is. We live in Australia. Oss-tray-li-ah. This seems petty, but we have to be the only country where the people are dumb enough to say its name wrong and profess the greatness of it in the same breath. It's like when people say "Iraq" with the long "i" sound. How fucking dumb do you need to be? It's only your first language, please stop mangling it.
What basis do you even give for Australia being the best country in the world? Have you even lived anywhere else? How does your understanding of world politics, global economics, standards of living or degrees of social liberty factor into this? Oh, wait, you didn't understand a word I said because you're an uneducated bogan shithead. In my humble, always correct opinion, Sweden is the fucking place to be. A government which is essentially functioning socialism and a surplus of attractive, shapely blondes? Yeah, it's pretty much got our little island beat. Additionally, you know those Ikea meatballs, the ones that everyone loves? THEY INVENTED THOSE!
Australia has the proud tradition of being world renowned for its drunks. I shit you not. At Oktoberfest in Munich, the Hofbrau tent is reserved as the "Australian's Tent" simply because we have a record of getting way to drunk and fucking shit up. Yeah, there's a beer festival in the beer capital of the world, and they've looked at us and gone "no fucking way". We're overtaking Ireland (for most of my life, I thought it was pronounced as one would pronounce "island". Boring bit over.) as the world's drunkard friend. You know the guy who's always drunk, is always up for getting drunk and generally does stupid shit while drunk? In my group of friends that's me, and in the world, that's Australia. Interesting sidenote, at the the time of writing, it's 11am and I've had two beers. Maybe not the best? Eh, who cares.
Also, Australia and the USA are currently duking it out for the title of World's Most Obese Nation. I shit you not. They were top for a while, then we were, I forget who's numero uno now but there isn't much in it. As a man with a very strict "no fat chicks" rule when it comes to relationships (I love my girlfriend), this upsets me. If you have big boobs to compensate for your beer gut, you may be missing the point. They're cute when they're the bits that stick out, not the bits that are resting on the bits that stick out. Additionally, fat girls everywhere, you have no business using tights as pants! You don't have a booty, you've got a gigantic arse! You're blocking out the sun! Pagans everywhere are confused as hell because you're messing up the eclipses and lunar cycles. And it's not as if it's only chicks who are gross as all hell when they're obese. There's something about fat dudes, they just aren't pleasant to look at. But that's shallow, I'm sure they're very interesting to talk to in between bites of KFC.
So yeah, Australia: Land of Fat, Uneducated Drunks. Praise be to the waves of criminals who first populated this great nation, the waves of immigrants who were first subjugated, then accepted and now are indistinguishable from everyone else (I'm half Spanish and half English/Indian/Portuguese/Scottish/Whogivesashitese, so wooo!) and especially the native Australians who you barely see anymore if you live in the suburbs. Oh, and Muslims, hugs and kisses to those guys, they seem nice. If you see me tomorrow, you'll probably see me in board shorts and nothing else, drinking straight out of a keg of Heineken. And you know why? 'Cause I live here and the government told me to.