The Hidden Truth Of Stuff

Post goes up Monday because I'm busy all day tomorrow. If this is a problem, please stick your face in a tank full of jellyfish.

This is part 1 in my series on the Hidden Truth of Stuff. Ever wondered what the underlying messages of regular occurrences are? Well, here's me making shit up on them!
Part 1: Condom vending machines in guys toilets in pubs and clubs. Now, I'm ostensibly a fan of these, for two reasons; abstinence dispensers don't exist and abstinence is a dumb strategy. People are gonna have sex, it's gonna happen pretty often in the weirdest of places and the last thing we need is the offspring of two drunks who probably shouldn't be breeding in the first place. When single people drink around other single folk (hell, they don't even need to be single, but it helps a little), there's a good chance there'll be some sort of fluid transaction, so giving people easy access to the means to prevent babies is a winner in my book. However, looking at a few simple facts about these dispensers reveals some slightly disturbing truths.
They generally cost $2 for 2 condoms. So, a dollar a condom, as opposed to about 9 bucks for a pack of 12 (or thereabouts) when buying them outside a toilet. Now, as anyone who's ever been in this position will tell you, when that moment comes you'd rather pay ten dollars for one than save your money and go without. Unless you're the kind of jerk who just doesn't wear condoms when rooting randoms. Don't be that guy. At any rate, the point of this is that there's a point during the night when you'd rather pay more than you'd normally have to for the seedcatchers. Your inhibitions are lowered and you're fairly certain you're gonna need them, so who are you to argue, right?
Oddly, pretty much all the condom dispensers I've seen in pub and club toilets give out studded condoms. I would have thought plain ones would have been a better bet, but apparently not. What is it about studded condoms? Well, apparently they offer extra pleasure for both man and woman, so huzzahs all around for that one. Pleasure is probably one of those things that you could always do with a bit more of. Seems odd that they'd offer those exclusively, but who am I to judge, right? Maybe they think you need the help.
So, charging more for a product that assists in the pleasure provision? I think I see what's going on here. Yes, I can safely say that the underlying truth of condom dispensers in men's toilets is: "If you are using this device, you are pretty confident you're getting laid tonight, too excited by this prospect to notice being over-charged and too drunk to complete the act in a way that you or the lady will enjoy. As such, enjoy our coitus-assisting contraception." Happy rooting, everyone.

P.S. Happy Valentines Day to everyone with a partner or a casual. To those single or otherwise un-paired, my condolences. And by condolences I mean "ha ha sucks to be you."