Exactly As Romantic And Meaningful As A Diamond Ring

Happy new year, inbreds. I hope 2010 contained at least one good moment for you. I personally had a fair few, the last quarter of last year would rank as some of my best months. Anyway, to business.
Facebook, lover and nemesis, we meet again. Why do people post stati of the form "omg love my girlfriend coz she is amazing :D"? You attention seeking whores, grow up. Now, I'm about as lame as it's physically possible to be in relationships, holding hands and bumming out when she's not around and generally being a needy and irritating shit. I'll cop to this, it's a personal failing and it's one that should endeavour to fix. In fact, new years resolution; in 2011, I'll try to be less needy and more secure in my relationship. It's in writing now, looks like I'm stuck. Better limit myself to twenty cutesy text messages a day.
Anyway, to veer back onto my original tangent, what the hell do you achieve by posting your little platitudes on facebook? I appreciate that all stati are inherently meaningless anyway just by the merit of them being stati in the first place, but there's something doubly inane about posting soppy mush notes for all to see. It doesn't even have to be something original or cute, I've seen people just post "I love Blankity McBlank." I'm sure you do, and your relationship status generally confirms this. However, you clearly aren't doing this for the person you're with, there are easier, more sincere and much less smug ways of letting your special someone know they're special. Phone calls are good, or maybe saying it in person, or in a nice card, or something? Whatever, I don't care. You aren't doing it for all your facebook buddies either, because they either already know or don't give a shit, usually both.
The fact is, you're doing it for you. Your doing it so you can flap your dick in front of everyone you know and say "LOOK AT ME! I'M NOT SINGLE! ISN'T IT INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE!?" You know what, you cretin? It actually is a little impressive that you aren't single, seeing as you only seem to have enough synapses to scrawl malformed (and usually poorly spelled) declarations of affection for all to admire. I'm sure you're aware that no-one really cares, but that's not the point, is it? The point is to fluff your ego so you can feel a little bit special over the smallest of things.
Now, I know there's an obvious rebuttal in "why does your relationship status specify who you're with, then? Aren't you just advertising it as much as the people you despise?" My response is no, simply because there's a difference between going to a party and saying "this is ______, my girlfriend" and saying "this is _______. I love her soooo much" and then sucking face right then and there. If you saw someone do the latter in person, you'd think them the crowned king of douchiness, wouldn't you? And yet, online, it's somehow... less? No dice. Stop being an arrogant and self-promoting arse, it's pissing me off.

The first post of this year is brought to you by everybody's favourite arrogant and self-promoting arse, The Last Whiny Man. May 2011 be less retard-tastic than 2010.

Stretching Flywire Over Your Brain

I love little scientific buzzwords, because when you drop them, you sound clever. I also love them because sometimes they sum up an idea very well and it saves me the trouble of explaining things. My favourite phrase lately has been "genetic leash" which I learned from a wonderful YouTube video where a man of science attempts to enlighten an unashamed young earth creationist. Not only does it sound cool, but it's also a pretty nifty concept to know.
There are certain things that a functioning society cannot abide if it hopes to remain stable and self-propagating. The obvious one is murder. As a society, members cannot kill off more than the number of people being born subtract the number of natural deaths and accidents. If they do, the society ceases to be able to function and it will collapse. It's obvious, then, why we've evolved to want to avoid killing members of our tribe; it's beneficial to the propagation of the species to not kill anyone who looks at you funny.
Interestingly enough, lying has a limit. That is to say, if a clan or species starts to communicate more false or useless information than true or useful ideas, the very act of communication becomes pointless, ideas cannot be shared and the society regresses. According to sociobiologist E. O. Wilson (regarded as the expert in this field and the inventor of the term "genetic leash"), the human mind is shaped as much by genetic inheritance as it is by culture. Given that it's beneficial for people to be honest and believe those close to them, it suddenly becomes clear why a surprisingly large number of people have no bullshit filter to speak of.
Snap forward to the modern day, and we've got slick advertising execs, giant religions and salesmen on every corner. The trusting nature imprinted in our brains is now a weapon for cheap charlatans. People are so willing to believe what they are told that they will commit themselves to the most ridiculous things, out of comfort, hope or just blind trust. It has been demonstrated that, in even the simplest computer simulations, lying or cheating to get ahead of the competition exists, but if a species is naturally trusting as well as intelligent enough to formulate intricate lies, all bets are off.
Where am I going with this? Pretty simple: Get yourself a goddamn bullshit filter! Everyone! I know it's nice to think that people aren't out to get you, but the simple fact of the matter is, a few people are. This isn't to say you shouldn't treat people right, but get savvy up in this piece, folks. If you don't have a naturally good bullshit filter, just assume EVERYTHING is a lie or a scam until you know better, do a bit of reading or research and it'll develop. My wish for this new year is that we're all a bit less gullible.
And with that, I leave you with this; do you believe anything you can't explain? If you do, think long and hard about it. Do some soul searching and figure out exactly where it's coming from. Also, don't steal my fucking television!

Merry Winter Solstice Festival, Fellow Heathens!

Secular hugs and kisses. Also, Merry Christmas to any christian readers I may or may not have. I know we don't always agree, but at least we can agree that turkey is awesome, right?

Why Are They Always Four Letters?

As a linguiphile, I am incredibly upset with myself. I am upset with myself and just a little resigned. You see, Facebook (the highest pedestal of social interaction whose teat I hopelessly suckle on) has a little app going around that tells you the most frequently occurring words of all your stati for the last year. Being the curious little shit I am, I jumped aboard this party train. The results? Truly shocking. The leader, by a large margin, was "shit," followed by "fuck".
Anyone who's read any of my posts has probably figured out I'm fond of expletives. I do enjoy them, they are the hot sauce for language, providing an intensity you just can't get from "golly". As a truly, truly intense person, listening to speed metal while I skydive naked with strippers, I don't have time for non-intense sentences like "I should probably do the laundry." I only ever utter sentences like "I'm going to fuckin' bungee off this fuckin' waterfall!" and "Shit yeah I'm going to eat a steak upside down on fire!" I have melted eyes before with my radiant awesome.
He says while penning his weekly whinge blog. My life is what you'd describe as "pleasantly average," redolent with normalcy. A number of friends, a smattering of interests and a regulation level of laughs. There's no need for me to add "fuck" as a prefix to most of my statements. Indeed, as I have noticed when I'm out in company, I have an incredibly foul mouth. I have responded to the offer of tea and biscuits with "shit yeah, Nan!" That just seems unnecessary. So, why is it that I just don't find these words even remotely offensive?
The answer? They're just words. They are a combination of syllables representing a meaning or idea. There's nothing inherently offensive about them. I know some people are offended by certain words, but I just cannot relate. Sure, I'll check my language if it offends someone, but personally, I don't give two shits how you talk. It's not words I find offensive, it's content. The word "fuck" may offend some people, but I'll tell you what, when I see stickers saying "Australian Way Of Life, Fit In or Fuck Off" it isn't the "fuck" that offends me.
So we can all embrace the beauty of expletives, I encourage everyone to try and integrate them into the holiday season; "fuck yeah I want some turkey!" "this egg nog is the shit!" and, of course, "Merry fuckin' Christmas, Grandma." Get the fuck on board.

PS. A big Merry Christmas to the five or so people that read these entries, you bring it very close to being worthwhile, and my intense level of conceit tips it over the edge. Secular best wishes, everyone!

Believe It Or Not, This Used To Be A Music Blog

OK, shut up. Stop whatever the fuck it is you're doing, go to your nearest music depository and purchase Congratulations by MGMT. Download it maybe, that'll save you a trip. The point is, obtain this record. It's fucking amazing.
There was a time when people understood what an album should be. It should not be 70 minutes worth of amalgamated material designed to give more minutes of music for your buck. That's fucking stupid. There should be a degree of brevity. A good album makes you go "aaaawww... I can't believe it's already over..." not "wow, it's still going." That said, it should also deliver bang for your buck, not filler and stupid shit. Every part should be on there because it deserves to be. There aren't many albums that have done that recently, so MGMT, my hat goes off to you.

The Honour Roll: Congratulations by MGMT, Fear of a Blank Planet by Porcupine Tree, An Argument Between the Taste and the Feeling by Minute 36, Traced in Air by Cynic and Kezia by Protest the Hero. Albums in the truest sense of the word: All have consistent and cohesive themes, are good from start to finish, contain no filler and don't wear out their welcome. Lads, you get the Official Tuesday Night Wrist Seal of "I'm OK With Your Existence". Wear it proud.

The Conclusive List of Good Christmas Songs.

1) Christmas Time by The Darkness.

Fat Chicks Should Not Wear Black Leggings As Pants

This post has nothing to do with the title. I couldn't think of a good title for the rant that's coming and I couldn't think of a way to pad that thought out into an entire post, so synergy, fuck yeah. This post is about how people have no fucking idea how to argue. It annoys me more than finding a pubic hair in my beer, and that annoys the shit out of me. Now, I was young and stupid once, and I had no idea what logical fallacies or basic logic even was, so I pulled this shit all the time, but a bit of reading later and I realized that, like all high schoolers, I couldn't make a cohesive argument for shit. That's a mild generalization, I'll concede, but there's not one class that even touches on the subject, so fair call. Anyway, here's a compendium of the stupid shit that pisses me off in discussions.

(In an effort to better my own arguing, I must concede that I've recently learned that I often slip character attacks into otherwise cogent arguments or positions. I'm endeavoring to rectify this.)

1) I don't need a counter-theory to disagree with your proposition. This shit comes up aaaaaall the fucking time in discussions, especially ones about religion or the supernatural. You've all heard it, it basically follows the form "well if you're so smart, what do you think it is?" or some variant thereof. For anyone who hasn't figured out exactly why that response is stupid, here's an example: I have no idea about what a carburetor does, or even what it is. However, if someone proposes to me that it's actually a built-in pixie repellent in cars designed to stop errant pixies clogging up the transmission, I know that's, in fact, false. I don't need a counter-theory, because what they just proposed happens to make no sense. In the real world, what this means is that you don't NEED to know someone's wrong not to subscribe to their ideas, their idea doesn't become any more valid just because it's the only one proposed. Long story short, if anyone pulls that shit on you, argument over, you just won by virtue of not saying stupid shit.

2) Just because it makes you feel good, doesn't make it true/valid/good. This is what is referred to as an "appeal to emotion" and it's one of the most frequently committed cardinal sins in discussions. If ever someone proposes to you that, because (insert silly philosophy, like homeopathy) makes them feel better, it must have some merit, just drop the pedo-bomb: "Pedophilia makes some people feel good, does that make it right?" If you don't wanna jump straight to kiddie-diddling, heroin, marijuana, alcohol, pornography and basically anything your gran wouldn't like can be inserted in its place.

3) "Well, I can't think of anything else." Classic argument from ignorance. Just because you can't think of another solution to a problem, doesn't mean one doesn't exist. This is the favourite of psychic- and ghost-believers. "But how else could they know my uncle died in March? They must be psychic!" No, douchebag, they mustn't be. It's called cold reading, or a guess, or countless other scamming methods that have since been discovered. Fun fact: there has been NO psychics (or anyone professing supernatural powers) who've been able to replicate it under scientifically observed conditions. Not one. Oh, they may claim negative energy or some crap, but how lucky is it that it only seems to be skeptics who exude said vibes? "but you just didn't want it to happen, you're exuding negative vibes!" No shithead, the skeptics are the ones who want it to happen the most, because then it's something new to discover.

4) Analogies are NOT expertise. "Foreign policy is a lot like building a house..." No it fucking isn't, you know nothing about what you're talking about and you're creating a simplified analogy of something that's actually quite complex. The worst is when people make analogies that always tie back to their profession or qualification. You might be an expert in one topic (but you probably aren't) but that doesn't mean you know dick about anything else. Four out of five plumbers recommend Colgate for teeth. Yeah, who gives a shit?

5) "Well, who asked you, anyway?" Usually heard at the end of arguments or discussions, but also at the beginning to stifle them before they start, these predominantly start with someone expressing an inquiry or curiosity in the workings of something. What follows is someone offering a solution, only to be told that no one asked them, or that they never really cared to begin with. So why say anything, douchebag? I swear, it's almost as if people don't want to know anything, and they're just content to drink VB and watch Two and a Half Men and be dumbasses their entire life without ever expanding their horizons. You know the type, the guy with a southern cross tattoo and an A.W.O.L.F.I.F.O sticker on their ute. Fuck I hate those people.

Well, that's pretty much it from me. For more on logical fallacies, look it up, but hopefully we can all leave here a bit more logical, and stop telling me that Bigfoot must exist because he gives you a warm fuzzy. Seriously, people are dumb these days, teach this shit in schools, please!

If Life Gives You Lemons, You've Now Got Some Lemons.

People are weird. That is to say, I'm not every person who's ever existed, so I don't really know what's ticking over in their heads. I can only safely make those assumptions about myself, and even then it's a guess at best. However, I can project myself into their situation and ask what I'd do if I was them, which isn't useful at all but it does the trick. Where am I going with this, you ask? Well, in a nutshell, here it is: Why is "OK" or "pretty good" not very good anymore?
Yeah, maybe the metric I use to value-judge things is fundamentally different to other folks. I'm a confessed fan of Mr. Bungle and DragonForce, so let that be an insight into the odd definition of "good" I use. However, there are some points of consensus I seem to share with regular folk, so I'm not a completely lost cause. I couldn't put my finger on exactly when I started noticing this, but at some point in the not-to-distant past, I started to hear people rationalizing things by saying things like "yeah, it's good, but..." and then go on to extol the greatness of something else.
There are a lot of great things out there. Hoegaarden, Pink Floyd, Fight Club... these are all great. However, the "good"-ness of something doesn't necessarily detract from the "great"-ness of "great" things. Similarly, the "great"-ness of some things doesn't take away from the merits of others. You might eat the tastiest meal you've ever sampled, but does that make a sojourn to McDonalds after a few drinks any less enjoyable? Of course not, that double cheese whatever you order is still going to be as greasily fabulous as it ever was.
I don't want to give away any specifics, but in the past two days I've heard two separate friends NOT make an attempt to talk to a member of the fairer sex, one on the basis that there was a better looking woman in the room (sitting at a family dinner) and one on the basis that they're an awkward asocial. Also in those two days I had a friend reject the suggestion to check out a new band on the basis that another band was pretty awesome. Is there a limit on how much stuff you can enjoy, so we must make sure to only fill our lives with awesome things and not crowd ourselves with OK things? Fuck that shit, I'm gonna eat fast food sometimes, I'm gonna drink cheaper beer sometimes and I'm gonna accept that a good time can be a good time even if it isn't great. I haven't got Fillet Mignon and Moet & Chandon for dinner tonight, and I'm not bummed out about it.