Tomorrow Is My Fucking Birthday!

But I'm so fucking fantastic that I'm gonna give all you guys a present. The present is me telling you all why I'm the best fucking human being ever to have lived. Aren't you all so very lucky?

1) I'm really fucking sexy. I'm not kidding, if you see me, you'll want to fuck me. You'll want to have sex with me, but my iridescent beauty is such that you'll feel like an ugly piece of shit just by being near me, and you'll lose any confidence to make a move. Luckily, I'm also charming as all hell, so if I decide that you are gorgeous enough to be in my proximity, I'll charm the underpants off you. Not in a metaphorical sense, I'll say something so witty that your underwear will evaporate, and the cool caress of the breeze on your privates will make you want to have sex with me even more. I'm that good looking.

2) I'm the smartest human being on the planet. I edited "A Brief History of Time," "The God Delusion" and "Das Capital", because every single author and academic on the face of the earth is in awe of my fiery, burning intellect, and if their observations didn't pass mustard with me, I'd think sharp thoughts at them, but I'm so fucking intelligent that my thoughts would manifest as the purest distillation of the quality of sharpness, unseen in nature, and pierce through their very being. I have to drink a couple six packs of quality imported beer every morning just so I can be on the same intellectual level as the other people I meet, otherwise I come off as way too smart and alienate everyone.

3) My musical taste is better than yours. It doesn't matter what music you like, I know a band that does it better. It doesn't matter how metal you are, I'm more brutal. It doesn't matter how indie you are, I'm more pretentious and artsy. It doesn't matter how country you are, because any degree of country is wildly gay and probably implies a deep seated desire for a loving relationship with a much larger man than you.

4) I look dashing in a suit.

5) I can lift a car over my head.

6) I write a blog that has been rolling in critical acclaim since the day I started writing it. I have been receiving advertising requests pretty much 24/7, but I turn them all down because I don't need money, as I get everything I need for free due to my handsomeness, charm and intelligence.

7) I am in complete and total self denial.